Not that it has a thing to do with the track associated with this post...but there's a scene in the movie "The Rose" starring Bette Midler where Rose (Midler) is on her knees in the middle of a deserted parking lot watching her lover ride off after yet another argument. She's completely unraveled. High, sobbing, the kind of human mess most people try to act as if they don't see so they don't have to get involved. She screams out into the night, "where's everybody GOING?!" 

I've been pulled, snatched, grabbed and jostled in a bunch of different directions for the past few years. Some as a result of my own poor choices, others because...well, we're all humans which means we're inclined to make huge messes because we don't know any other way. 

Now, more than ever before...I am tired. So impossibly tired.Tired of keeping my chin up and being the brave soldier because that's what everyone believes I am. The problem with people thinking of you with great esteem is they sometimes perch you on a shelf and leave you to gather dust because they're so confident in your ability to solve your own mysteries and be a "model character." Meanwhile, what they don't realize is that in a world where so few see you the way you see yourself...they've managed to place you somewhere where you are not touched, you are not tended and it is assumed (falsely) that safety = happiness. 

I assume one of the gifts I was granted in this life, was to have a big heart and a measure of emotional wisdom. I want to help. I want to heal. I want the inner light I see in so many people I love to come out and blind the masses with the magic I know is there. I want people to bask in the joy that is their highest good. If I can make you see the magic in you, I guess it helps me see the magic in me. The downside in that, is the process of energy transfer means sometimes you're giving more than you get. 

When it's a one off situation, that's fine. I can recharge in my home. Burn some sage. Meditate. Reflect. Breathe. Draw. Create. Balance. Take a walk and a long hot shower. When it comes in waves however, there is no time to rejuvenate. My only moments of peace become those precious few hours when I can settle my spirit enough to sleep. That may be enough for me to fight another day and fortify someone else's defenses...but it's rarely enough for me to feel connected to anything. After days, I am worn. After months, I am angry. After a few months, I'm completely disillusioned. 

The strong can be so weak. They just hide it better. I'm working through it. I've bought back some of my peace. I'm getting back into the practices I've used to rebuild the things that occasionally get broken. I'm declaring myself closed for business with the same old characters that still remind me once in awhile just how dangerous they can be when I'm looking the other way. Now, I'm looking in the mirror and I'm seeing that I can get back the blossom I found once upon a time when I believed in dreams. 

I hope it's not too late for me. If I was to myself what I have attempted to be for others who have come into and out of my life...I'd probably say that it's never, ever, ever too late. Maybe I can believe for me what I've always believed for them.

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AuthorCheryl